Yesterday morning was a hard one. Duane and I were scheduled for an appointment with our doctor to have our 4th IUI procedure (inter-uterine insemination) on our fertility journey. Since this isn’t our first rodeo, we really wanted to prepare for this day differently. We told several people this time so they could be praying, we spent last night at home relaxing so we could be fresh today, and we made a playlist of songs to keep our minds and hearts together. I felt like the Lord kept leading us to cover this day in worship and gratitude. I kept telling Duane that I just wanted the whole day to be an act of worship. The preparation, the procedure, and the 2 week wait for the results. All of it… an act of worship.
Well. The doctor came in, did our ultrasound and was quiet. It took him quite a bit of uncomfortable pushing and prodding, but finally let us know that I had no mature follicles. Basically it means that my body did not respond to medicine this month and there was nothing there to fertilize. So even trying to do the procedure we prepared for today was pointless. Once again, we were incredibly disappointed. Another whole month of “twiddling our thumbs” and waiting to try again. Over and over and over. After 6 years you wonder: How long can we keep doing this?
As we walked out to the parking lot, I was overwhelmed and sad and the tears came. What a let down. I walked into this office with gratitude! I walked into this office as an act of worship! How incredibly disheartening and unfair! And it was in that moment where I heard that still small voice say…. “Where’s your worship now?”
As the kids say— I was Shook. In that moment, I knew I had a choice to make. Wallow or worship.
I knew in my heart that God doesn’t call us to worship and adore and revere Him only when it’s good. He calls us to true worship through it ALL. Sad? Worship. Lonely? Worship. Broken? Worship. Scared? Worship. Happy? Worship. Anxious? Worship. Angry? Worship. Stressed? Worship.
Let me be clear: I don’t think worship means to stuff down or not FEEL your emotions. But IN THOSE FEELINGS, the act of worship will supernaturally take the mirror off of you and your circumstances, and turn it towards the One who died to know you! It will revere and adore the One who gave His life for you! When we spend time and energy celebrating and thanking Jesus Christ for His faithfulness, ESPECIALLY in our pain, it serves as a reminder that God’s got you. He’s not going anywhere. He will meet you in your pain. THAT’S what worship is.
Through my heartache, frustration, and pain— I knew that’s what I had to choose.
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions this morning, and I’m not naive enough to think there aren’t so many of you going through different seasons of pain and waiting today. But I want to remind you that God doesn’t waste time.
Let me say it again for the ones in the back: GOD DOESN’T WASTE TIME.
So whether you’re waiting ANOTHER long cycle month to try again, or your story is very different— won’t you join me in worship today? Don’t try to pull yourselves up by the boot straps and wipe away the tears— just be still. Turn your heart towards Christ in worship and gratitude and allow Him to meet you where you are.
That may look like sitting in your car in the parking lot at work, with black tears running down your face belting out your favorite praise song. Sounds familiar. Whatever it looks like for you, remember, nothing is wasted. And I promise you, God will meet you in your worship.